Little Man: Awakening PART I
By: Wayward Willy
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation." Thoreau writing in Walden (1854).
Those words are equally, if not more, true today as 150 years ago. More true in that our contemporary lives are many times more complicated - though, perhaps the human condition really hasn't changed that much over the past few millennia in spite of all our "progress." Technology does not necessarily improve the quality of life - more joy, peace, harmony with others, etc. - it generally just complicates it and fills it with more things. While some of these things do make life easier, a lot actually create more work, frustration and desperation than they were attempting to remedy.
But lest you think me a hater of technology, I'm a computer guy. I love my Macintosh, my digital camera, my cable modem, my digital recording studio, my digital movie studio. I would never willingly go back even to the halcyon days of mechanical pasteups and process cameras. But if I stop and take stock of my life today - my loves, hates, fears, joys, frustrations, needs and desires - I would have to say there's really not much difference over the past 20 years or so, except for one thing: my passion, or lack of it.
Passion is what gives us life - an authenticated life. Authentic because we are doing what we want to do. Our every step is tainted/directed by it. Or by the lack of it. It is the lack of it, I feel, that leads to that quiet desperation: feeling trapped by cultural expectations, social responsibilities, vocational necessities - doing what we have to do when it may not be what we want to do. One of my favorite stories is "Sonny's Blues" by James Baldwin (I think). Sonny's older, responsible, brother tells him in essence to grow up, "you can't just do what you want to do." But Sonny replies, "No, you should do what you want to do." Of course, Sonny was still rather young, like we all were once, full of ambitions, ideals, goals - passions. But what transforms all those Sonnys into the brotherhood of the responsible? Of course, I'm not saying we should all wallow in irresponsibility, piddling our lives away taking handouts. Sonny's brother was miserable and disappointed in his life, in what he had become, and was taking it out on his little brother. He was living an inauthentic life.
The Little Man Saga
Passion equals risk. My passion is either accepted or rejected by others. Say my passion is artistic expression of some variety. If my work is accepted, I eat. If not I get a government grant. How many actors pump gas, wait tables, flip burgers (I know these are cliches) while pursuing their passion? Heck, I don't know. Maybe none. How many are pushing pencils, delivering sodas, selling long distance phone service? Anyway, as we move on in years, the risks become even less attractive: we have homes, families, jobs, cars and revolving charge accounts that need to be fed as well. This is not to in any way cast aspersions at home, family, mom and apple pie - it's just that necessity dictates a more conservate lifestyle as responsibilites increase and our jobs become careers. Not all of us, of course, just the mass of us leading lives of quiet desperation.
At this point I quit generalizing and hold myself under harsh scrutiny. My early, foot-loose and fancy-free days were guided by the passion of music. I played for audiences paying and not, appreciative and not, but always from the heart. I found myself, however, traveling a different road after a few years - I guess I needed to eat. I guess I grew up. I still played, but the fire was gone. Then, a few years ago it happened. I started playing guitar again with a passion. All my waking moments were now geared to playing - I still worked, still took care of family, etc., but a not-too-subtle change came over me: I realized more water had gone under the bridge than was still to come. If ever I was going to pursue and realize my youthful dreams and ambitions, it had to be now or never.
Sound familiar? It should. It's the classic mid-life reevaluation. And this is a good thing, not the ridiculous Hollywood mid-life-crisis-mockery of guy dumping his wife, getting a sports car and fast young thing to prove that his virility - alpha maleness - was still intact. This reevaluation is an important stage we must all address, those in desperation and those not.
...to be continued.